I had a good talk last night with Q. about my healing process, and who I think I am today with regard to that. It is difficult to explain to someone that I sometimes need to face into painful things, and sometimes even invoke them, so as to grow past and through. He seems to fear that treading on old and painful territory will send me into a depressive bender. I asked him if he saw that I was doing so, and he said he did not. He is clearly seeing that I am taking responsibility for my feelings and not blaming, or freaking out about *him* or anyone else for that matter. Still, I know he wants to yank me from the edge so I don't fall over.
It is true that, in the past, when I have examined this Particularly Difficult Situation, I have, indeed, gone over the edge and it took a long time to recover for us. But, I don't play the Blame Game anymore.
Sometimes I just need to look into the difficult stuff to see how far I have come, to test my reactivity, to get a reading on how far I need to go. I know what I am heading for, and I know I will get there. I am not complacent, and I am unwilling to stop looking at the Hard Things inorder to avoid Pain.
You can't avoid pain for too very long. Like a bubble under contact paper, it goes SOMEWHERE else until it is properly acknowledged and released. This Particular Pain has many edges to it, many tendrils that speak to me of ancient Damages incurred waaaaaaaaay before I entered into this Poly love. I used to put my hands over my metaphorical ears and go "la la la, I can't hear you!" and now, I don't do that.
I am who I am. And that changes with the winds. And, I am okay. Really.
Q. wants to know what I think I can learn by revisiting this Old Stuff. My answer is that I can learn about Who I am NOW in the face of it. And, despite a few rocky days of feeling like Stuhl about myself, I am surfacing, and I am much less reactive than I was two days ago. All that, without Chocolate!!! Dayum! I rock.