September 16th, 2002



I tell ya. Sometimes being an explorer sux. Like, I am finding myself at some new Poly Places inside myself recently - places that are opening up where fear had once had me in contracted places. Good, right? Okay, so Ms. Explorer decides to look into that closet where the Big Hairy Suit resides, to see, if it is still Hairy. Yep. Still Hairy.

But....if I could find the RIGHT PERSON to wear said suit, it wouldn't be so very hairy.

Discuss this with Q. who is curious and more than a bit cautious at my Reopening of Previously Closed Closet Door.

See, we are contemplating the possibility (well, maybe...nah..well, I dunno) of cohabitation some time in the future. We have been together for five years this week. And something in me is resisting the merging of lifespaces (besides the obvious child rearing/financial/personal space issues). I think it is wanting to know exactly where I stand in this Particular Area of His Interest, without the Well Maybe's. I need to face this before we merge and build a family and home which might have to be dismantled in the event of a Future Major Squick. As it is, if I Squick, I have my own space with my kids and my money and my things, and I don't have to come out of my cave for nuttin' lest I wanna. I know, Big Mature Me, eh?

But, I am being brave....I am looking, Seriously Looking at the possibility of us trying this Thing Which In the Past Has Been Too Painful to Bear. But, here is the rub. I am willing to wait as long as it takes the Universe to Provide Said Person. He does not believe that anyone would Fit Just Right Any Time soon.

So he suggests a sex party.

Ugh. I get the "less responsibilty for emotional attachment" theory....but still.....and it might be fun (I have already DONE all of this, mind you Loooonnngggg ago)but still.....I am not really interested in that as much as really connecting intimately with someone I/we care for. Not throw us at some people at a party.


I sooooo wish Monogamy would work for us. Or that Full Blown Poly would work for us. Grrr. This middle of the fence stuff is splintery. I have splinters in my ass. Someone, please hand my some tweezers.