September 28th, 2002


I have to think this one out long and hard.


so...I change my way of love to accomodate my partner, from a monogamous structure to a poly one. I have **real**(owie, icky, boo hoo) trouble with this over the last two years. I manage to find some really amazing people on the way. He agrees with the boundaries I have set with regard to our behaviours, and tells me he is fine with that. Lately, I kinda get the inkling that he wants to expand past some of those boundaries so I start stretching again. On the way there I meet a wonderful person, with whom something Very Special is growing. Go carefully. Craft carefully. Don't rush. Yadda Yadda...this, I do. All of it.

So, as of Thursday evening's discussion I have been given an ultimatum. Stretch the boundaries to include everything he wants NOW, or agree to Monogamy. (he sees this as a gift, I see it as a leveraged buy-out.) He wants what he wants and wants it now. He has offered monogamy to me before, and I always refused because it felt like he was compromising too much, and that I really wanted someone to really WANT to craft that kind of relationship with me, not just as a consolation prize for my not hacking Totally Wide Open Full Blown Poly.

He tells me that Poly does not work for us. He wants to concentrate on the Us of us and not have all the background noise in our lives. I see this as avoidance behavior.

Maybe he is paying me back for asking him to not participate in the relationship that Started The Ball Rolling into Poly...

Maybe he is just freaking because he knows me so very well, and he knows that part of my heart is evolving into a New Love. He says I can keep my feelings for this person, but, he wants me to agree to monogamous behavior, and not do anything that I would not want him to do with anyone else of his choosing. (I have not even been sexual with this New Person!!!!)

Okay, that is fair.

But, somehow it feels like a razorblade stuck in a caramel apple.

I have no idea if this New Love will grow into something sustainable. In my hopes, I think it might..someday.

But, do I abandon this longtime love, which has many wonderful facets to it, in hopes that the inklings of Profound I find in others is viable?
Do I try to grow into and enjoy a monogamous structure with this man I have loved for five years...the man I originally WANTED to share that kind of love with me?

EEEeeeefucking Gads!!!! I cannot and will not abandon my new friend. The question is: Can I stop my heart from falling any deeper? Do I even want to stop that? Do I want to try to nurture my Old Love in a monogamous way, and perhaps find the happiness I always wanted to have with him?

I told him I need time to think about this, to feel about this....I cannot be rushed into this kind of decision. If he does try to rush me, he will have pushed my hand on this. And he will lose.

Ack. This loving more than one is COMPLICATED!!!