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Friday, February 10th, 2006

Time Event
3:21a
Possibly poly?
Got off the phone with J awhile ago. Another good conversation as usual. But one interesting thing did come up...we touched somewhat on the dynamics of our "relationship". Now I put that in parentheses because we actually have no formal relationship but I think you all get what I mean. Anyway, what was specifically said to me was "you have free reign to do as you wish as long as you tell me about it" to which I responded basically the same. This is where the rambling comes in. Let me back track a bit.

When I was a teenager I was a cheating bastard. I admit it. But the thing is, and I know at least one person reading this will totally get this, I wasn't doing it to be mean or selfish. I was confused. Not about my sexuality. I was, am, and always will be bisexual. But about the feelings that I was having. The two people I cheated on I loved with all my heart. But I still felt myself physically drawn to other people and didn't know what to do about it. My Mother said that cheating is cheating and if someone cheats on you they don't really love you but I knew that I really loved these people. So what was the deal? Anyway, fast forward a bit. I knew I really hurt those people so then I decided from now on I was going to be faithful to the extreme and I was. But I never quite felt satisfied. I felt like something was missing or off. I've always considered myself to be a sexually adventurous person and open minded but I was being forced to cut off aspects of myself such as intimate contact with a female. I went YEARS without touching another woman and truly feared that I would never touch one again.

Then I read an article in the Phoenix. This was several years ago. It interviewed a bunch of Poly people. Poly what? I'd never heard of it. But the more I read about it the more it clicked with me. But I wasn't yet ready to identify myself as that. So at conventions I started attending the poly panels to learn more about it. I discovered a very loving mature group of people. Fast forward again to my one VERY long term relationship(6years). At the beginning of this relationship I told him that I didn't mind if he slept with other people as long as he was honest about it and I was his main girl. He said great! But then he proceeded to cheat on me with several women. I say cheat because he lied to both me and them about his relationship status. I discovered this because one of the girls became obsessed with him and started stalking him outside our apartment. Anyway, by the end of the relationship he did start being honest about things but by then it was too late.

Since then I have continued to question my identity and wondered if I could handle a true poly relationship. I joined the PolyBoston group to continue to learn more and have acquired several poly friends over the years and have even been the third in a few relationships. But I have yet to be the primary in one and actually be faced with my partner sharing someone else's bed.

Tonight's conversation brought all of this to the front of my head. I hadn't actually asked him yet if he was poly though I had a feeling he either was or thought he might be. Do I think I am poly? Yes. But I also know it is more likely that I would want to be with a woman than another man. J is doing quite a good job of satisfying me in that department.;) Can I handle him being with another man? Absolutely. Can I handle him being with another woman? I don't know. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But I'm certainly not going to tell him not to. Who am I to do that? I'm the last person on Earth that would try to restrict someone's nature. I just hope that he is honest and upfront about things and I won't lie...it would make me feel better if I knew I was his primary. But the relationship is still young and I have purposefully avoided these subjects so as not to put any pressure on him.

Anyway, despite all this serious rambling I am quite excited about all this. I said it before and I'll say it again...have I met my match? Someone with whom I really can be myself without any judgment? We'll see...

Current Mood: contemplative

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