March 1st, 2006


Things that make you hmmm...

Well J had his first sexual encounter outside of our "relationship" this evening. I'm still digesting it. Not sure how I feel. I'm 99% sure I'm not jealous which is a good thing. But I do feel weird and I can't pinpoint why. I was pretty sure it was going to happen tonight though I admit I thought I might be the first one to have an outside experience. He has been very open and honest about everything with me and the other person involved. And to be fair I could have been involved and may yet be. I knew he was seeing this person tonight and I was actually in his neck of the woods for other reasons. I had even called him to warn him I would be in the area because I didn't want him to think I was stalking him. Turns out I would have been welcome to pop by. I thought about it but I didn't because I wanted to give him his space and not make him feel like I was imposing myself. Regardless I talked with both of them on the phone tonight after the deed was done. So she does know about me. Everyone knows about me which is comforting but I guess my unease still stems from not knowing where I stand with him. Nothing has been formally declared. So I guess my worry is that he'll decide he'd rather have her as his primary. But again to be fair I am the one who spends every weekend with him. But it's going to be werid going to bed alone tonight knowing he is curled up with someone. I just really don't know how he feels about me. I can guess or assume but I don't want to do that. My boss' husband has recently started dating someone and she said she is fine with it because as she puts it her relationship with him is "solid". We don't have that yet that I know of. We aren't solid. So I'm scared of losing him. He's a fool if he thinks I don't have feelings for him. Anyway, that's the minor rant and update. The bridge has been crossed. What's on the other side? Are things between us special at all? Or am I just another lay? According to him I'm a "keeper". What does that mean? Anyway, the positive side of all this is that really I do think I'm ok. I'm not jealous. Just worried about my status and absorbing all this since it is kind of new. The honesty is refreshing. Being in my 30's I was starting to doubt it was possible. At any rate I'm hoping it's the start of an amazing journey. My mother is going to flip her lid if we ever have to tell her about this!
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