June 28th, 2010


Secondaries and Primaries...

Hi Folks. Long time listener, first time caller. Well, not all that long of a listener, either.

I'm after a bit of advice.

I'm new to Poly. Indeed, I've fallen into it almost against my will. I've friends who are Poly, but years ago I was actually on record as saying, "Polyamorism is like Communism. It looks great on paper, but doesn't work out so well in reality." Well, suffice it to say that now that I find myself as Secondary in two relationships, some of my old friends are laughing their asses off! :-)

This is part of the issue. Most of what I have read seems to have involved someone with a Primary relationship also having a Secondary relationship. I'm in a situation where I have two Secondary relationships, but no Primary relationship. How common is that? How does that, in everyone's experience, affect being able to find a Primary relationship?

Boyfriend #1 and I sorta fell into together. He had a 10 year relationship with his boyfriend that allowed him to "play" because his boyfriend is out of the country very regularly. Through a weird set of circumstances that boyfriend found a boyfriend and still keeps him. That really strained their relationship, but it was obvious to me that the two of them still loved each other so I fought to keep them together. I've never met my Boyfriend #1's Primary and don't expect to unless something very bad happens. But a few months ago, I said to him, "You're in a poly relationship whether you admit it or not." He said he realized it, yes. And that's how the two of us formalized things. It was the first time either of us had said the words.

Boyfriend #2 began as a formal relationship. Boyfriend #2 is married to another man. The difference here is that Boyfriend #2's Primary has known and met me from the very first date and the three of us have breakfast and dinner together reasonably regularly. I attribute this to everyone in this group being Poly from the start.

I'm still looking for what I call Boyfriend #0 - my primary. This is the first time I've had to take anything like this into account. While BF#2 has said there may come a time when he goes really into the background I have no intention of moving away from BF#2 (or BF#1) to make way for BF#0. That just doesn't seem fair. Rearrange priorities, sure, but not leave. But this is an additional stricture that I've never had to deal with before.

What resources do people use? What experiences have people had?

Hi! :-)